photo 1 (1)My first gig. I was a cowgirl. The kid was 1, and didn’t give a flying pig shit about cow anything. My shirt was a men’s xxl and the chaps were help up with balloons.

There were about 70 people there at this one party, and not to mention the fact that the party was in a public park, so lots of parties were there to watch what rock bottom looks like on a 34 year old woman.

I walk up and say “Howdy!” The whole party stops talking and turns around. No talking, no nothing. Just staring at me with my big ass shirt and my ballooned on chaps and a western flop sweat coming down my face. One dude with a neck tattoo and sunglasses backwards said loudly, “holy shit, really?” Then his friends started laughing.

I get directed to the kids. The birthday boy shit his diaper right away so he disappeared and I had to make small talk with the other kids.


Kid-What’s your name?

Me-Uhhhh, Amy.

Kid 2-What kind of cowboy name is that?

Kid 2’s dad-Hahaha! Good one baby.

Me—uhhhhhh, yeah! Who wants to play duck, duck, goose?

kid 1-What? That’s for babies!

Me-How old are you?

Kid 1-I’m 4 and he’s 5 and he’s 3(pointing to the other kids).

Me-Oh and…

Kids(all yelling and pointing) I’m 3, I’m 5, I’m 12(what the fuck are you doing here weirdo! Go to 7th grade, shit!) I’m 534235323436131!

Me-Cool! So many numbers! Okay, well do you wanna play musical chairs?

Dad of 1-There ain’t any chairs, shit. HAHAHAHA!

Me-Yeah, I…know…okay, um, (starting to dig through dirty box of stuff) jump rope? Parachute? Crayons? BUBBLES?

All kids-Bubbles!

Me-Bubbles? Bubbles!

Kids fucking love bubbles! They go apeshit for bubbles! Oh, you want bubbles? I got your goddamn bubbles!

I left the party with a $10 tip. I felt okay until I got to my car and realized what I looked like. I took that pic, went home and drank a lot of cheap vodka until I felt pretty again.


And this was only the first one!


Stay tuned, it gets much, much worse.


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